As a parent, God calls you to raise your children in faith and guide them through appropriate correction. However, there may be times when it feels like all you’re doing is correcting and directing. Whether your child is strong-willed or easy-going, each one deserves to be met with curiosity and connection. While correction is necessary, there should also be a time and place for love and curiosity. Imagine being in a relationship where all you hear is criticism; most would want to leave. Children, however, don’t have that option.
Connection Over Correction
The first question to ask yourself is: how does the amount of connection you provide compare to the correction you’re giving? Many experts encourage parents to picture their relationship with their child as a bucket. Carrying around an empty bucket—a relationship full of only correction—has little purpose. Buckets are meant to carry water, which, in this metaphor, represents connection. Connection means feeling seen, heard and valued. Think about how much correction and direction you give each morning as they get ready for school, or each afternoon when they come home. Instead of reacting with frustration or correction right away, take a deep breath and approach your child with curiosity—what might be motivating their behavior? You can delay a consequence and still follow through with correction, but first use connection and curiosity. Remember the three C’s: Curiosity, Connection, then Correction.
Acceptance and False Expectations
Sometimes, as parents, we may have false expectations that affect our relationships with our children. Perhaps you hoped to connect with your child over sports or faith, but those aren’t their interests. It’s common to find it easier to connect with one child than another, but this is where releasing false expectations is important. Parent the child you have, not the one you thought you’d have or the one you’ve already raised. Each child is unique, with their own struggles and strengths.
Practical Ways to Connect
Catch Your Child Being Good
When you notice your child doing something positive, acknowledge it in front of them. Our brains are naturally wired to spot problems, but how often do you look for small positive behaviors? Perhaps your child struggles with homework, but they managed to start it or asked for help. They might not finish a chore completely, but they made an effort. Acknowledge these small wins before giving further direction.
Learn Your Child’s Love Language
Understanding your child’s primary love language—whether it’s physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts or quality time—can help strengthen your connection. Although it may shift as they mature, it’s crucial to focus on what makes them feel most valued.
Let Your Child Teach You Something
You’re typically the one teaching, but letting your child teach you can make them feel seen and heard. Whether it’s learning about technology, a favorite sport, a school subject or one of their hobbies, this helps build their confidence.
Engage with Their Passions
Ask your child about their interests. Play one of their favorite songs while you’re making dinner or plan a regular “agenda-free” date—time spent together without correction or lessons. Let them lead for a few minutes, stepping into their world with curiosity. Just as God calls us to connect with Him beyond our flaws, children also long for simple, unconditional connection.
With a shift toward curiosity and connection, you can strengthen your relationship with your child and create a more balanced approach to correction.
St. Raphael Counseling, the largest Catholic therapy practice in the country, offers individual, couple, family and school-based counseling. Spanning the Archdiocese of Denver and part of Catholic Charities, our team of clinicians provides therapy and counseling in alignment with the teachings of the Catholic Church. Call 720-377-1359 or visit straphaelcounseling.com to get started.