Grief and Loss in the Holiday Season
Allison Anyamele, Therapist at St. Raphael Counseling, a ministry of Catholic Charities
The holidays are here! And with them comes an expectation from many directions—stores, ads, workplaces, friends, family—that says we must be excited and full of cheer! We should be eager to pull out our decorations and start our holiday meal planning. For some, this is the experience. But what about the many who approach this season with dread, sorrow and pain due to the loss of a loved one?
In addition to the salvific reality of these days, the holidays are a time of celebration and memory—remembering good old times with delight, creating new memories, striving for nostalgia. However, for those who are grieving, remembering the old times can be painful and the reminder that there won’t be new memories is excruciating. This time of year, the grieving person may well be thinking “can we just skip the holidays?”, “how can I possibly celebrate?”, “what is there to be cheerful about?”
For the grieving person there are often several experiences. There is a deep sorrow and dread of encountering the holidays without their loved one. Sometimes there is even fear of how they will cope with the acute pain of missing their person. Could my physical heart literally tear apart on Christmas because the pain and longing is so intense?
Another experience is feeling the expectation to celebrate. It feels unacceptable to have the holidays be a time of sorrow and people feel pressure to put on a smile or fake it. That is asking quite a lot of a grieving person, who may be just barely getting through a normal day.
Paired with that is the expectation to not bring anyone else down with their sadness. Don’t ruin it for everyone else! Inevitably this sends the message that “your grief has no place here” or you should “keep your grief to yourself.” Thus, at a time when the griever most needs support he or she is being shoved into isolation.
And for the faithful, we’ll add a fourth experience; the internal conflict created by the question of whether sorrowing means a person doesn’t have faith. Too often a grieving person is told, “Don’t be sad! He is with the Lord now,” as if that fact should wipe away the deep love, vivid memories and dreams of the future that will never be.
If these experiences resonate with you, I hope the following suggestions will help you approach this season with some bit of peace, relief, or just less bracing. I also hope these suggestions will enable you to keep moving in your grief, rather than bottling it, getting stuck in it or pretending it’s not there.
Be flexible with traditions
Loss of a loved one changes us. You have changed, and so too might your traditions. Allow for omissions or adaptations to what you usually do. Perhaps you create a new tradition in memory of your loved one. Do not force yourself to keep traditions that stir up excessive anxiety or fear.
Plan for grieving time.
Schedule into your days whatever helps you exhale—time alone, time with a close and supportive friend, time to cry, time to be “off.” I often refer to this as giving yourself a daily dose. In order to move in our grief we have to turn towards it, even if it’s just for 30 minutes each day. Plan for this so that it is guaranteed rather than fit in after everything else or forgotten entirely.
Set reasonable expectations for yourself and for those with whom you will be spending time.
Now that you have some freedom in which observances you will keep, adapt or omit along with scheduled grieving time, you are creating reasonable expectations for yourself. You are setting the stage within the reality of your grief, not trying to force your grief into a mold. Tell those you will be with about these plans and expectations you’ve set for yourself so that they can join you in them.
Plan your exit strategy.
Brainstorm, plan and even rehearse what you will say if you find yourself needing to exit the activities. Plan for who you will tell, what you will say, and where you will go. Perhaps you decide you’ll tell just your sister (and she can relay the message) that you’re stepping out for some quiet and you’re going on a walk around the neighborhood.
Remember why you grieve.
We grieve because we love. Grief is the continuation of your love without the beloved’s physical presence. If you are proud to say you loved the person you lost, so too be proud to continue loving him or her in your grieving. Grant yourself permission to keep loving through the holidays.
At St. Raphael Counseling, a ministry of Catholic Charities of Denver and the largest Catholic therapy practice in the country, we provide assistance for individuals, couples and families who may be grieving a variety of losses – not just of a person, but also loss of jobs, expectations for the future, changes in a family (i.e. a child goes to college and moves out), etc. Be kind to yourself as you approach this festive season.
If you or someone you love could use our help, please reach out directly at 720-377-1359. Learn more about us on our website.